First off, HAPPY NEW YEAR! Last month I participated in a Forgiveness Challenge. Turns out I didn't have as long a list of people to forgive as I thought. The…
Today is my 26th birthday. Over the past few weeks I attempted to write today's post in advance but the words just would not come. I signed up for a…
In my last post I talked about teaching people how to treat you. I shared that post among a group of peers which triggered a conversation about my lack of…
"It is my opinion that one possible reason that student loan debt is so high in our country, is due to lack of preparation." @theStudentLoanDoctorLLC
I’ve spent the past FOUR years TipToe N in My Jawdinz around HER feelings and HER schedule trying to build a relationship with HER children, like Buddha’s sister had with me.
My mother must have something magical at that midpoint that serves as the meeting place where the lines of her thighs meet, because all three of my “Daddy’s” have had some stalk-ish moments when it comes to her. Unfortunately, she seems to have a broken CRAY-Dar. Or maybe it’s the magic in her regal region that makes them this way.
Now that we know what a CRAY-DAR is, let me give you some history. It’s been rumored that even in infancy I was able to “See Red” in people and advise my mother not to date them. I’m guessing my CRAY-DAR kicked in early.
Buddha used to write me letters (some before I could read) of how things would be different when he came “Out on vacation”. Sold dreams of this family he and I would be with my mother. Needless to say I was thoroughly confused as to why he thought we could be a “family” when things were just fine with me, my mother and Step Dad #1. Buddha was CRAZY.
Step Dad #1 & my mom have tried their hand at reuniting on multiple occasions. He’s probably the least possessively aggressive when it came to her, but he still has illusions of a “perfect relationship” between them, where it’s ok for him to see other people, yet it’s painful to see her with anyone else.
My CRAY-DAR was definitely strongest with my sister’s father. He knew things only possible to have know if he had been listening to conversations she had in his assumed absence or following her to destinations throughout the day. To this day I have most of my phone conversations in the car for fear of my apartment being bugged due to things I’ve witnessed. Throughout their decade + long relationship, he’s shown up unannounced at work functions & assaulted coworkers, called the police & pressed charges on her in the middle of the night when she had a house full of children, used the SUPER BASS in his voice as a weapon against her family and guests, drove through the neighborhood monitoring who is entering and exiting the home, and constantly plead that he wants his “family” back while continuing to live in a façade where their relationship has yet to end.
When she met him, he had siblings & nieces & nephews, friends, a god-son, co-workers, band-mates that he wrote songs with.
I used to tell people I wanted 12 children. Now, every time I think of why I haven’t started, I remember it takes a whole person to love a child; and sometimes hurt people can’t be whole.
She wanted him & all the disrespectful ways he learned from my father and I guess his indirectly. I wanted to ask him "Would you want someone talking to me like that?" But I was afraid of what he might answer.
Only thing I had of my Daddy’s was his face and some days even that’s too much.