5 Reasons I Do NOT like Being a Mom
Yesterday, I broke an unspoken rule of motherhood and said out loud (more like wrote on my Facebook page) that I do NOT like being a mom. I even went so far as to stay up until 4:00am rambling about why on my podcast The Discussion Room. However, after having a moment to sit down and clearly articulate exactly what I meant when I said that, I came up with these 5 main reasons why.
1. I Knew I Wasn't Ready
I decided I didn’t want kids about a year before I got pregnant. After seeing and beginning to understand the struggles of my friends and family up close and personal, and not being where I wanted to be in my own life, I went from wanting to birth twelve children to realizing maybe supporting other people’s parenting journeys was enough for me.
I wasn’t financially independent at the time I conceived and I knew that I did not want to raise a child while financially dependent upon others. When envisioning my life, I used to tell people I wanted as many children as I could afford to raise. At the time I learned I was pregnant, I was less than two months out from being evicted from my apartment. How could I take care of another person when I had ultimately failed at taking care of me?
I had seen so many relationships fail due to the power dynamics that come along with child-rearing. I had also studied domestic violence and maybe convinced myself that allowing myself to be financially dependent on my partner while raising a child was a recipe for falling victim to the power and control wheel.
I also wasn’t emotionally ready. I had reached a point where I took losing my apartment as a sign I needed to return home, regroup & find the strength to stand on my own two feet again. How could I focus on bouncing back with a baby? For some women a baby is just the motivation they need, for me I wasn’t sure a child would have that type of impact on me.
Others convinced me that having a baby would “change me” ultimately I was right. And if you ever felt off your game alone, try throwing in a baby who is 100% dependent upon you in the mix.
2. My Child is a Reminder of How I Failed Myself
This one is a little more difficult to articulate. Some of the choices I made before losing my apartment still linger with me. At the time I thought I was making those choices as a sign of growth at the time. No longer operating with a me only mentality because I was no longer allowing my trust issues to convince me that no one else’s feelings were worth my consideration.
I wanted to relocate to Philadelphia but delayed because I a. didn’t have the funds to make that transition & be better off than where I was and b. wanted to explore my developing relationship with my partner.
A few months before finding out I was pregnant I proposed celibacy to my partner because of some health concerns. They countered it was “unfair” to make a decision like that while in a relationship. To this day I wish I had held firm in that choice for me to take the time to prioritize my own needs. I genuinely felt led to be celibate thinking it would give me time to figure out the right dietary and lifestyle changes to fight my fibroid. Instead I chose “compromise” and delayed the beginning of my celibacy journey to give my partner a chance to prepare for this change in relationship dynamic.
Coincidentally my fibroid shed during delivery of my child. That doesn’t change the fact that looking at them is a reminder that I put someone else’s feelings before my own in a time where I should have stood my ground for my own body.
3. Parenting Brings Up So Many Unresolved Issues
This blog started with me Dealing with Daddy Issues. After nearly a decade of intentional lack of communication I began working on my relationship with my biological father. Trying to create space for my child to have a healthier relationship with him than I had, has brought up issues I didn’t even know were there.
I realized I didn’t really understand what parenting WITH someone operated like coming from a single parent home. My mom was our primary legal & physical guardian and therefore made most decisions independently. Trying to remain inclusive in decision making is occasionally frustrating, but I also feel fortunate to have a partner that wants to be included in making decisions for our child.
That being said the communication skills required to build a safe environment for a Tiny Human that was unplanned is deeper than any level of communication I’ve ever had to utilize. I find myself having to be more unapologetic about boundaries for my child than I have been about my own boundaries. Especially since REALIZING that I haven’t been firm enough with my own boundaries.
4. It Takes A Village to Raise a Child
I’ve always been a firm believer in the village yet when you want to do things differently than the village that raised you, that tremendously limits the people you trust with your child.
Having a baby in the middle of the quarantine period of a pandemic meant my village was physically unavailable to support me.
Having a present partner means members of their village also have influence on the child. The control freak in me don’t always like that because you know BOUNDARIES!
Sometimes the village has too many opinions & zero respect for your boundaries.
Being tasked to accept the help that’s available or continue to struggle in solitude has been bananas.
I also feel bad when I have nothing to offer my village in return.
5. MENTAL HEALTH
This ties back to number 1. and not being ready. I knew my mental health was subpar because I was in a constant state of worry about finances & trying to maintain faith that the things I was working on would yield better results. I knew adding a baby to that mix was a bad idea & I was right.
We romanticize motherhood and that shit is unhealthy. There are beautiful parts of motherhood, but for ME, most days it’s difficult. Every time you have one challenge figured out, a new one arises. I’m glad to see more mothers opening up about the struggles of MOTHERHOOD,
Not just single moms.