Loneliness: It’s been 10 years since I began processing the manifestations of my “Daddy Issues” in my adult life. I’ve wondered if I’m allowed to celebrate this milestone, since I have not consistently used this platform in this decade, but I have consistently done the work.
One thing I can say is that despite the connections I’ve felt with others, and the friends I’ve made along the way, it’s been incredibly lonely. Lonely for me, probably because I have the tendency to overthink. For a decade now, I’ve walled myself off from loved ones, concerned they might be offended by my writings and examinations of my experiences.
I’d be a damned good mason.
One of my favorite quotes is from Marianne Williamson, you know the one, about letting your light shine, giving others permission to do the same. I recite that to myself when facing anxiety or panic attacks. When I reflect on this decade, I think of the amount of times, people, especially younger relatives, have opened up to me at random about their own paternal relationships. Pre-teen cousins who’ve only seen me a handful of times whipping out their phones, showing me how unresponsive their fathers have been to their messages and their desire to be more connected. Others near in age, sharing letters they’ve written to their father detailing the hurt they’ve endured at his actions and lack of interaction, causing them to be “distant, a loner, independent…”
Trust Issues: One of the biggest personal issues I used writing this blog to address are my trust issues. For a while, writing this blog gave me the courage to step out on faith and try to trust again. I was able to begin to identify when people were lying to me, whether intentional, by omission, or by lying to themselves when I already knew the truth. Recognizing that my deep attachment to having information, being told the truth, essentially BEING trusted, were rooted in my childhood experiences. The disappointment tied to the pain of my father’s lies, the expectations my mother set for me to be honest with her and other adults in my life, and the impacts of other’s choices to be dishonest had on me and those around me, all made me appreciate honesty that much more. I personally feel that I am such an understanding person, that there is no NEED to be dishonest with me. People lie to make themselves feel better, because ultimately, the truth finds me, whether I’m looking for it or not, and if I have to come by truth accidentally, I lose respect for the person that created the lies
My experiment with trusting again ultimately did not culminate with me finding a lifelong partner who would be honest with me. Instead, I spent many years with someone I kept giving the benefit of the doubt, when the walled off version of me would have shut them out before they did hurt me in ways that would take years to rebound from. The process reminded me that being guarded may start off as a trauma response, but over time, you sense the patterns and know when not to let people play with you. Addressing my trust issues had me doubting that part of myself, and confusing grace for permission. You can give a person grace, and understand where they are coming from without giving them permission to misuse their access to you. I also learned that trust issues do not begin and end, with my daddy issues, they show up in so many other areas of my life, but you can’t go wrong if you trust yourself.
Transitions: My life changed several times in the past decade. I went from leaning on the written word, to utilizing dialog in the art of podcasting, to actually seeing a therapy, to opening a new level of trauma when I became a parent. Writing about my “Daddy Issues” introduced me to new people, took me to different places, gave me a new perspective on my parents are as people and what makes them so, gave me a new lens of viewing my partnership choices, and also gives me motivation to get it right in my own parenting journey. Although, I feel I’m tough on myself in the parenting department BECAUSE I’ve been so vocal about other people’s parenting for the past 10 years. I went from critiquing my father and father figures with little to no care on what that would mean for my dynamic with them, to becoming very protective of the private work of reconciliation. I remember writing in my personal journal that I didn’t want to feel like I was only reconnecting for content. I’ve seen other creators enter the fatherhood, content space and catapult to financial success, and though I’ve wanted to find financial sustainability in detailing my experience and conversing with others, there’s always been some discomfort for me, with PROFITING from vulnerability, be it my own, or my podcast guests. Once it becomes profitable, it seems performative, and I prefer for people to share with me because they feel comfortable, because they trust me, because they know I have no intention to exploit them. And once I became a parent, I became more rooted in that frame of thought. I never want to pimp my kid out for a viral moment to pay my bills, I want them to be a kid, I want our home movies to be for family memories not for internet fame, and so I shied away from this platform more and more. There were thing almost daily that I knew I SHOULD be writing about, thing that would be good #TellMeSomethingTuesday topics or #DaaamnDaddyThursday conversation starters that I never got around to writing about, that I chose to reach out to family members for more intimate feedback instead. I don’t regret the decision, but I do wish I had found a way to sustain this work financially, so I could continue to have time to cultivate the intimate conversations I believe we should be having.
I realized last week that I hadn’t posted in nearly three years, and wondered if I should even be acknowledging this decade long journey in progress, but I decided it was worth it. Just because the Blog was on the backburner and the podcast has been on hiatus doesn’t mean the work stopped altogether.
