So Saturday I told you all about G. On our first date September 15th, 2012 we’re playing the “Get to Know You” game when he hit me with the question “WOULD YOU DATE A DRUG DEALER?” For most people this looks like a yes or no question. However, being the over-thinker that I am, it really took me deeper. He asked me a question I never really asked myself, but now we’re at dinner both waiting on an answer.
Buddha was a drug dealer. He spent the majority of my at the time 21 years of life in & out of county jails and half way houses on various drug charges. I recently told my mother that I think I would have been ok had he served one long consecutive sentence and gave me the “I made a mistake” excuse. But because he had been released & rearrested so frequently I felt like he was continuously making this “mistake” and I wasn’t ok with that. It made me feel as though he had lied in all of the letters he sent saying “I wish I could be there” for all of the various awards I had won, or dance recitals I had, & poetry shows and plays I performed in. If you really cared about me you would stop doing the same things that keep getting you taken away. All of this is happening in my head on my first date with G, a man I’ve only known a few weeks, but to my understanding has a “Good Government Job”.
As I’m reflecting on my father’s actions, I’m realizing that he didn’t have to end up that way. I’m thinking about all of the times people told me “Oh, your father used to write my papers for me in high school. $100 per A.” That sounds like a better hustle than illegal narcotics, but I wasn’t there. I remember all of the beautiful better than Hallmark handcrafted letters & birthday cards he sent me, some times making his own envelope! And I thought “What if somebody told him he didn’t have to sell drugs to make money?” or “What if somebody believed in his potential enough to show him something better?” And I realized that maybe I could be that person for someone else. That push that says “Hey brother, you can do more than hustle to survive.” So I stepped out of my reverie looked up at G & said “Yes” after all, it’s just a hypothetical question anyway right?
I was very specific with G when I said that I would date a dude that was bout that life if I really liked him & I would try to help him find a way out. Although G was this cool dude with a decent job asking this thought-provoking question on our first date, he set me up for the okie doke. The question I thought was hypothetical was really his way of telling me “I dabble in narcotic sales and I don’t want to come right out & say that and scare her off”. Truth be told, I can’t say that I would have been cool with it had he come right out & told me. All I knew was, by the time 4 or 5 dates later that he chose to share that with me, I felt like he was a liar. And he was sure to remind me that I had hypothetically said I was down for the cause and would appear to be a liar myself if I were to renig at this point. My moral foundation was fucked up because my mother always told me to know my nonnegotiables. I didn’t really date in high school or college so I disregarded that bit of advice. Then I allowed my integrity & desire to be a woman of my word to keep me in a relationship with a man I’m now weary of. I wanted to love G, I was invested, but I felt like he lied to me. And I once again remembered all of those letters saying “I wish I could be there” and all those hours wasted waiting on special memories with a man who never showed up. And in that moment I realized I have TRUST ISSUES.