I work at a mental health clinic. On more than one occasion I’ve been offered a prescription for ADHD medication.

I’ll admit, I lose focus easily, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have ADHD though.

Recent reflections have led me to notice a pattern of lost focus. I noticed this pattern a few years ago and intentionally remained single because of it.

Four years ago today I graduated from the Illustrious HOWARD UNIVERSITY .03 points away from having a GPA worthy of Honors. My family was proud, but I wanted better. So I vowed Grad School would be different.

Three and a half weeks into my first semester my nose was just as open as my legs and that 4.0 foundation had been flushed.

The next semester legs closed, nose still open. I gave all my “free time” to the next man and messed up my math grade. Was this a pattern? A bad habit? Or a learned behavior?

Yesterday my grandparent celebrated their 49th wedding anniversary. Ironically my whole life, my grandmother has been encouraging me to put my romantic life on hold and build some experiences for myself.

Today my new friend called me and asked if I had written today. He asked if I had updated my blog yet. He hasn’t seen it yet, but he’s always asking and encouraging me to write more, to do more. So why do I feel like I’m achieving less?

It would be easy to place blame solely on a man for wanting my time, or me for giving it to him, but it’s deeper than that.

Societal norms have us believe that you’re semi-single like Oprah or an assumed secret society member like Beyoncé, you trade your individual goals for a successful relationship.

Unfortunately, this expectation is commonly placed on women. Men as providers are expected to place success before relationships. Any reversal of these roles stirs up tea for conversation.

I recently read an article about how some men are great Daddies and terrible husbands. I know my grandmother would never say it so bluntly, but I’m sure she’s been lonely. My grandfather ENJOYED working. She forced him into retirement. It was funny at the time, but now it’s sad.

I don’t know Beyoncé, and I don’t want the “We just be coolin’ it. We ain’t goin’ steady” relationship Oprah has with Steadman. I realized I’ve never seen a woman I KNOW and LOVE and RESPECT balance Love & marriage with Dreams & goals.

I’ve had men outright ask me for my time because I’m not so great at making myself available when I have other things to accomplish. I’ve found myself enjoying that shared time so much that I slowly allot less and less time for working on things that I want and need.

I had not written anything this morning before my friend called. I hadn’t updated my blog yet. I spent my morning fantasizing about all the things I wanted to discuss with my new friend the next time we meet. About ways to pour into him the way he pours into me. Then I realized I allowed it to happen again. I allowed myself to get distracted. You can’t pour from an empty cup. And no matter how supportive of me he wants to be. There will be nothing for him to support if I lose sight of myself.

Vowing to no longer be DISTRACTED.

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