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Apologies

I came to Jersey for my youngest sister’s birthday. I was the designated chaperon. I promised my father’s brother I would come see him this time. It was only right seeing how his birthday is a couple days before my sister’s. Even though my uncle had never mentioned it to me, I knew there was a possibility that my father would be there. As the thought of seeing him entered my mind while I drove up the block to my uncle’s house the radio played IDFWU by Big Sean & I had no choice but to laugh a little and release the anxiety.

When I entered the apartment only my uncle’s long time girlfriend was present. She said my uncle had gone downstairs to do some laundry so I sat and waited. Just as I got comfortable my father came walking out of the bathroom. He leaned down to hug me and although I didn’t hug back I hadn’t pushed him away either. He said “Thank You” and sat beside me silently. Shortly afterward my uncle came upstairs. I got up and hugged him. He and I carried on a conversation with his girlfriend and my father just sat there unable to contribute. I tweeted about him.

My mother always said he had good eyesight (when telling of how he stole her calling card number from across the room) and I guess he saw my tweet because he said.

“I know it probably doesn’t mean anything to you, but I really am sorry I missed out on your life.”

I simply replied “I’m ok” to which he seemed to have taken offense. As much as his lifestyle and choices confused me I always believed my father loved me. I also believed he was sorry he missed out on my life, but I had no room for & no need for another apology. Don’t make excuses, make change. At 24, this is the umpteenth time I’ve heard “I’m sorry for missing out on your life.” I wonder when he’ll realize he could stop missing out if he could start making better choices, instead of drafting better apologies.

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