This is a picture of some of the father figures I’ve had in my life; cousins, uncles, Step Dad #2. These are all men whom I have looked up to, learned from, loved and been disappointed by.
I remember the first time I began to notice the men in my life who I upheld as different, special FLAWLESS, were too in fact, flawed humans. I took these moments as personal affronts.
I’ve been reading The Autobiography of Malcolm X this summer. And yesterday I came across a passage where Minister Malcolm himself was dealing with the reality that a man he had come to idolize, was just a man.
He said in a passage that
Loyal Muslims could be taught that a man’s accomplishments in his life out-weigh his personal, human weaknesses.
That line spoke to me. It spoke to parts of me that wanted to be angry with the men I loved for the way they treated the women I admired.
- It should be more important to me that this man successfully taught me how to ride a bike than it is that he’s telling the woman he loves that he want to get married, but constantly makes single people decisions?
- It should matter more to me that the man who rewarded my academic success with his time, SHOWED me he loved me than it does that he’s stepped out of his 20 year relationship, at least TWICE with the kids to prove it?
- It should be of more value to me that he chose to invest in my love of music by purchasing my first stereo than it is that he broke his vow of marriage to have an affair hurting his wife whom I consider a friend?
Before I knew these things about these men I idolized them, Wanted to find men just like them. And as I learned of their flaws I also learned to be careful what you ask for.
Truth is, we model what we see, and I’m tired of seeing men take advantage of other women’s emotions, while simultaneously trying to convince me, that maybe my standards aren’t unrealistic, and I should keep the faith that there’s someone good enough for me so not to “settle for these busters.” Although this knowledge shouldn’t make me love these men any less, I’m not a Loyal Muslim and I can’t accept past accomplishments as a trump for present and REPEATED disrespect.
As a woman it hurts me to see men whom I’ve considered the model of how I wanted to be loved; hurt women I care about just as much.
How do you expect me to believe I’m worthy of the best treatment a man can provide, when I now know you’re living a lie?
Insecurities; Deeply Rooted in the witnessing of men I highly regarded mistreat women I duly admired. Do good men exist anymore? Of course, but all humans have flaws.