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Goals

Everyone is screaming “New Year, New Me!” and talking about their “vision” and going after their “GOALS”.

Meanwhile, I’m having recurring dreams about my future wedding. No I’m not getting married this year, I’m not even currently dating, but most women fantasize about their weddings, right?

daydreaming

At a young age I determined that my mom and aunt were unlikely to get married before me, therefore I’d allow my grandfather the honor of walking me down the aisle and giving me away. Back then I also thought I’d be married by age 18. Here I am, 25 with a grandfather closing in on 75 and not even any players warming the bench.

It was a goal of mine to be married at 18 so I could be fruitful and multiply by 20. This goal caused me quite a bit of stress and depression when I didn’t reach it. *2010 was a VERY difficult year for me*

 

Back to this dream. For the past 3 years I’ve gone to the Wedding Expo with a friend for her birthday. My stepsister is getting married and I suggested she go to one, but then I decided, I don’t want to go this year.

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I don’t wanna go

For the past several months I’ve been having this dream where ALL my “Daddies” walk me down the aisle, even Buddha. I pick this grand venue where there’s enough space for each of them to walk me enough steps representing the years they played a large role in my life with ultimately my uncle and grandfather giving me away at the alter. The over-analyst in me dreams of what venue could accommodate such a vision; and would Step Dad #1 and Step Dad #2 put their differences aside for me long enough to pass me from one pew to the next? Am I worth setting aside a beef?

Then begs the question, “How many of my uncles participate?” Will Buddha ever be out long enough for things like this?

Suddenly, the dream is no longer about a joyous celebration of love, but more so a nightmare about my worth to the men who were to supposed to lay that foundation of love.

While everyone else is gluing wedding dresses and engagement rings on their vision boards, I’m haunted by my unmet marriage goals.

did not get engaged

It’s funny how you’re told to stay out of grown folks’ business your whole childhood, but the adults seem to be blind to the impact their actions have on the child’s adulthood.

I used to want to be married at 18 and have kids at 20 and let my grandfather give me away at the ceremony.

I don’t make those kinds of goals anymore.

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