Ok, Let’s talk about forgiveness. When I received the idea for October’s post on “What Make You Who You Are” Kori asked me if I had any animosity toward Buddha I wasn’t ready to address it, but I did.
Two weeks ago I posted that he said “Happy Birthday” and I responded and how that was a big step for me. I was on such a birthday high I chose to “forgive” him first in this 31-day Forgiveness Challenge I’m participating in. But did I mean it?
A few nights ago I was having a conversation with my gentleman friend and he said “I don’t think you forgave him.” As tired as I am of having this conversation, I decided to hear him out. He said by not responding to Buddha about where I was spending my birthday I was still being guarded and unwilling to let him in. True, but does that negate forgiveness?
Everyone wants to tell me that my lack of desire to interact with Buddha means I haven’t forgiven him. No one hears WHY.
Kori hit the nail on the head about animosity. In all my blog posts and conversations, I neglected to address one of the most painful parts of my problems with Buddha; claiming me.
I jokingly discuss how I expect my cut of child support arrears first if he ever hit the lottery, but sarcasm can’t sugar coat the child support notice I saw in the mail a few years ago.
I was home from college and my mom and I went to check the mail at one of her rental properties, which was also our old home.
He requested the claim for child support be thrown out because “He is not my father.”
I remember how empty I felt reading those words. So many questions. *Why wait til I was over 18?* *What about all those hand made “Love Dad” letters?* *What changed his mind?*
Too much to process. Then AND Now. Whether the decision was motivated by money or a moment of anger, I don’t know. But if it wasn’t bad enough to be an absentee Dad, he had to add insult to injury and petition the court for paternity of my full grown adult ass and deny he ever owed me a relationship to begin with.
I don’t respect that. I can’t, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven him.
I chose to forgive him for me, so that I could let people in again. That doesn’t mean HE gets to be one of those people. I forgave him for me, because all “Happy Birthday”s at least deserve a “Thank You” that doesn’t mean we need to celebrate together. I forgave him for me, because one of the best things he ever said to me was his presence may have done more harm than good and I believe the same rules still apply. Sometimes you have to let people love you from a distance and as long as you aren’t holding on to hurt anymore, I don’t let others dictate how you forgive.
A daddy is supposed to teach you how to decide which boys/men are worth your time. He taught me that he isn’t worth mine.
My gentleman friend said if we ever have kids together, he’d probably sneak and let Buddha see them. That didn’t even upset me. I’m not threatened by his involvement in the lives of children I don’t have. And as long as he doesn’t let them down like he did me, I would let it continue.
We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then, #iForgiveHimOnPurpose