Initially I was gonna write about my abandonment problems from My Dads giving me trust issues & how my inability to trust causes me difficulty in building and maintaining friendships.
Then I hopped in a group chat after completely writing that post and talked about this random 37-year old man in the park telling me I had nice feet, then someone said “You have a boyfriend @BossyGroupChatName” to which I inquired “I do?” and they clarified that they were actually asking if I did. Then I was able to share. “I was feeling underappreciated so I let my last suitor go.” Or something close to that.
I was congratulated & told I deserve better by people who never even met the brother. I said “Thanks, I agree” and told them how I felt I couldn’t un-teach him certain behaviors, (Cause we all know you teach people how to treat you), then added “We cool now.” To which the initial interviewer replied “Good, I’m glad you were able to remain friends” And someone else chimed in “Good riddance. I don’t see why you should be friends with an ex.”
I could continue to transcribe the exchange & how I caped for this young man and just said “everybody don’t enter relationships with the same tools.” But I really want to zero in on how me saying “we cool now” led to a debate between other group members about whether or not folks should be friends with their exes. All I could think was *I never said we’re friends*
True to life I struggle with trust issues. I’ve ended many of friendships due to people habitually saying “I’m a call you right back” & not following through. I KNOW this is directly related to spending more than the first decade and a half of my life waiting for Buddha to finally show up or call or contribute when and what he said he would. For this reason I require people’s actions to match their words, or AT LEAST a genuine apology when they can’t. I expect others to treat me with the respect I give them.
I remember breaking up with my high school boyfriend and my uncle suggesting I try to remain his friend, because he did taxes and I might need an accountant one day. My uncle was friends with most of his exes. Many of whom had gone on to marry other men, but called on him to DJ their events and do repair work. So coming from him this was reasonable advice.
I tried that our with my high school boyfriend. We still did friend shit after I broke it off. He came skating for my 17th birthday. I attended his parents’ wedding the following month. After which we decided to go back to being more than friends. Only for him to fuck up royally on Valentine’s Day and me to discover that my choice to end things was the right one, because just as I suspected, he had been seeing someone else.
That was when I learned to listen to my intuition and not my uncles.
As far as my most recent situation, I felt like Tasha from Insecure. I’m not gone say that I knew or felt it was nothing serious but if he didn’t “You fronted like it was.” For months I thought we were something serious only for him to tell me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I tried to replay in my mind any instances where I missed the memo that this wasn’t a relationship. And though I kept coming to conclusions that he led me on, he had confirmed on more than one occasion that this WASN’T just some casual shit. I realized that the biggest sign was the one thing that had bothered me most.
We RARELY did things together. He was king of “Netflix & Chill” if there ever was one. And every activity we DID do, I initiated.
“If You don’t know the purpose of a thing abuse is inevitable.”
I once asked him what my role/purpose in his life was. He said “friend” three times between filler words. We were coming up on a year of being exclusively intimate and I felt like the list should’ve been a bit broader than “friend.” I tried to see things from his perspective. He claims to be a Shy Guy and told me from jump he didn’t have many friends so I guess I should’ve been honored, but EFF THAT! F is for FRIENDS WHO DO STUFF TOGETHER! And I didn’t really feel like he wanted to do things with me.
This was possibly the hardest relationship I had to walk away from. I had learned so much about myself while with him. I challenged myself to trust & communicate in situations where I previously would’ve just ghosted. But that’s what made it necessary to walk away. Once you give to a person from places of yourself you didn’t even know existed and you don’t feel it’s reciprocated, you have to go before pieces of you start to erode.
When I attended the Sincerely Chosen Live Finale, Syreeta said something that has stayed with me. Her relationship with her children’s father was off again on again in the beginning because she was learning to love herself though loving someone else.
I think I wanna learn to love myself a little better before looking for love through friendships.