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Fatherless Fathers Day Chat

A couple weeks ago Life Coach Latisha Carr approached me with the idea to do a Father’s Day Brunch for women who have lost their Dad’s or grew up without one. I thought it was a dope idea, put some feelers out there and got a decent response. However, many of the women interested in participating lived nowhere near us, and 10 days just was sufficient time for them to make proper travel arrangements or us to plan and execute with care. So instead we decided to do this live chat where we could engage with our audiences about our experiences being Fatherless & ways to cope.

We hit an unexpected technical difficulty and were unable to be dual hosts as intended. HOWEVER, we persevered and navigated via both IG Live & Facebook to keep the conversation going.

Me: Tish How old were you when your Dad Died?

Tish: I was 23 when my Dad died. It’s still been a lot for me to process, but he wasn’t necessarily a present Dad before then either. So I’ve had a lot of Fatherless Father’s Days.

Me: You mentioned weddings making you miss your Dad, & thinking of who will walk you down the aisle, how do you get through those moments?

Tish: I don’t know, I have uncles and brothers and really good friends so I haven’t decided who I think will walk me down the aisle just yet, but I do think about it when I attend weddings.

Me: I know you’re big on self-care, what tips can you offer to other women who are grieving or dealing with the loss of their Dad?

Tish: For me, I choose to log out of all social media on this day just to protect my peace. It’s hard for me to see other people’s post so I choose to stay off social media this day. Another tip is writing. Journaling, writing down what it means to you to be a Fatherless woman. Sometimes writing things down is a way to ease what you’re dealing with because we sometimes have a tendency to bottle it up.

The tech barrier got to be a bit much at that point so I didn’t continue with the last question I had, but the conversation did go on organically between Tish, myself and our live viewers.

 

We discussed what inspired Tish to even want to do a brunch for Fatherless women in the first place. She shared with us that she had some cousins who also experienced being Fatherless and it was something they intended to do together, but they moved a distance apart and were never able to carry through with it. She said many people go out and have cookouts and it can be difficult for those of us who don’t have Dad’s and having support is important. It made me realize that I had not ever thought to consider my own cousins as a source of support in Fatherlessness. It was something we never talked about until they started reading my blog, and now I get to build that source of support for those of us who are open to it.

We briefly touched on access to therapy and other resources to cope with what it feels like to be Fatherless and how it isn’t always available to the community that needs it. I shared one of my favorite Jill Scott songs THE FACT IS (We Need You) and how it highlights that as Independent was we can be we still need men to be fathers and active members of the community.

Our ultimate goal was to support other women who are dealing with Fatherlessness, but also to gauge who would be interested in attending an actual sit-down Brunch next Father’s Day. We had a handful of women interested in attending the brunch and when asked what they would like it to cover, they mentioned topics like Forgiveness, and never being able to see their Dad. Things I’ve covered over the years on this blog. Things that I could also continue to benefit from, one viewer, a friend of mine from my days in education, suggested we do a brunch for Fatherless students so that’s an opportunity I’m excited by.

If you missed it, don’t fret, just be sure to join the conversation next month. I’ll be releasing that topic in a few weeks. And you can still view the conversation and read other people’s comments on the Daaamn Daddy Facebook page. If you have any suggestions for what you’d like to experience at a brunch for Fatherless Women on Fathers Day feel Free to share them in the comments!

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5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Dating a Dad

This isn’t for the woman seeking to date a man her momma’s age. More so for young independent women who’ve never dated a man with kids before. About a year ago I posted a video on my YOUTUBE channel about how Dating & Daddies had intersected for me and for the first time, I wasn’t the child in the situation. At that time I was all rainbows and optimism, but I learned so much about myself through the experience of Dating a Dad. So I want to share some things I think women should ask themselves to determine if Dating a Dad is something they’re ready for.

  1. Are you cool with NOT coming first?

     Often times as women, we feel the desire to be a priority in our mate’s life. At a certain point we expect to be a priority in their lives. If Friday night is our designated date night, we’re not Tryna hear “Oh, my homeboy and them going” NOWHERE! But when you date a Dad you have to be prepared for the reality that no matter what nigh is “Date Night” if an emergency arises concerning their child, you drop down a peg on that list. So before you enter a relationship with that man, honestly ask yourself if you can handle getting all dressed up to go out and THEN getting that “Heeyy, can you take a rain check?” phone call when the child swallows a LEGO or has some other sort of emergency.”

  2. Can you handle HEARING about a child you may never meet?   

    Let’s be real. Everybody that’s dating ain’t courting. And if you’re dating a man that’s a decent parent, he isn’t introducing every woman he gets familiar with to his child. However, again, if he’s a decent parent, he’ll be active in his child’s life and may share details of his day with you that includes information about his child. Is that something you’re ok with? Be honest with yourself on whether or not you’re the type of person who can know a child’s favorite color, zodiac sign, the story behind the “boo-boo” on their left knee, what they sound like saying “Daaaddy” but never meet them face-to-face. Understand that not meeting the child doesn’t denote the seriousness of the relationship. Some men just want to appropriately feel you out before exposing you to their child. And that’s exactly what a protective parent SHOULD DO.

  3. Are you ready for child centered vacations and activities?

    If you pass whatever test the man lays before you and you meet his child, can you put Paw Patrol before your Netflix and Chill session? Are you cool with Sesame Place as opposed to Caesar’s Palace? Do dates to the Discovery Zone top Dinner & Dancing? Can you accept that a baecation to the Bahamas might actually become a family field trip to Florida?

    If you answer “No” to any of those questions, Dating A Dad ain’t for you sis. Yes baby sitters and grandparents exist, and YES every couple needs grown up time, but you CAIN’T always get what you want. And in the moments when your man ain’t BK and you can’t have it your way how are you gonna act?

  4. How will you react to their parenting from the outside looking in?

    When your partner trusts you, they’ll often share scenarios with you or come to you for advice. Sometimes even if they do trust you, they’ll try to keep their parenting life separate from their dating life. Either way, you’ll have a fish tank view of their parenting. Are you the type to offer unsolicited advice? If your man blows off his child’s parent-teacher conference to do a favor for a friend will you speak  up or stay in your lane? Will you know what that lane is? It’s important that you understand boundaries. Establish how much you want to know, find out how much input they’re comfortable with you giving. Know your stance on parenting and decide if you’re the type of woman that can keep a man encouraged through a custody battle or call him on his bull if he falls short of meeting his child’s needs.

  5. What are your views on parenting/being a step-parent?

    Some women KNOW without a doubt that they want to bare their man’s first (only) child/ren. Those women don’t entertain men who have children. And that’s their prerogative.

Some women are cool with dating a dad as long as she never has to meet their children. They like men who can compartmentalize. They don’t want to be invited to talent shows. They’re unavailable to hear & heal his baby momma drama. They want to be arm and bedroom candy and NOBODY’s stepmother.

Some women are ready and willing to be a plus mom. They accept their man’s venting sessions with open ears & arms. When he needs help making a decision, she offers suggestions on choices in the best interest of the child. And if & when the time comes she’s down to be the best step-mom ever.

Other women just get in where they fit in and kind of figure it out along the way. Know which one you are before you decide to Date a Dad.

*BONUS Question*

How much interaction can you handle  with the child’s mom? From Baby Momma Drama to Blended Family Bliss. Where on the spectrum are you comfortable with?

 

Men with kids are often off limits to childless women. We don’t want to deal with their baggage. Yet we call foul when men steer clear of single mothers. I think it’s important to be reflective. I could have decided not to continue having lunch with my “friend” once I learned that he had a child. By the time I learned about that I was already interested in him as an individual, and his life as a Dad was another layer of him I got to learn & love. It’s definitely been a learning experience, and I created this list because I learned so much about myself in this process. I just want to present the learning curve to you so you can get ahead of the game & do what’s best for you.