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Communication is Key

Last month my mom was testing out her Amazon Fire Stick and decided to put on the Love & Hip Hop New York Reunion. On this particular reunion Special Yandy Smith-Harris was at odds with her stepson’s biological mother, Samantha.

With her husband serving time in prison. Yandy began to feel that Samantha was keeping her stepson away form her and his siblings. Samantha felt Yandy had overstepped some boundaries. Yandy felt that these boundaries didn’t exist when her husband was home.

From the outside looking in, there seems to have been a lapse in communication. Whether you agree with Yandy or Samantha, to me, the common denominator is Mendeecees.

Once a man decides to blend families he has to have a plan on how to communicate the needs of the children to the women playing roles in their upbringing.

Samantha is entitled to be upset that her son was taken across state lines without her consent. However, her anger towards Yandy is perplexing because he was in the care of his father on the way out and Yandy made sure he got back safely.

My point is his Daddy has the same rights as his mother; and being angry at the step-parent for the actions of his other biological parent makes no sense to me.

Yandy is noble in her desire to keep the children present in each other’s lives in the absence of their father. However a ring and a title doesn’t grant you permission to take other people’s children out of school early without telling them. That’s borderline kidnapping boo.

I was annoyed watching two grown women engage in an argument that seemed avoidable if they all had practiced the art of communication.

It also dawned on me that dating with a child while I have none, makes me empathize with Yandy. If a man sets the tone during the dating phase that there is no need for his girlfriend to ever communicate with the mother of his child, if and when that woman becomes his wife, it makes it difficult for those women to know HOW to communicate in his absence.

Additionally if a man decides to make a woman his wife, and a permanent addition into his child’s life, it is his responsibility to help build a bridge between the two women responsible for nurturing and pouring into his child. At least provide a pathway of peace.

Pathway to Peace

If you fail to plan the roles they’ll play in your child’s life, you fail your child. #DaaamnDaddy

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Forgiveness

Ok, Let’s talk about forgiveness. When I received the idea for October’s post on “What Make You Who You AreKoriĀ asked me if I had any animosity toward Buddha I wasn’t ready to address it, but I did.

Two weeks ago I posted that he said “Happy Birthday” and I responded and how that was a big step for me. I was on such a birthday high I chose to “forgive” him first in this 31-day Forgiveness Challenge I’m participating in. But did I mean it?

A few nights ago I was having a conversation with my gentleman friend and he said “I don’t think you forgave him.” As tired as I am of having this conversation, I decided to hear him out. He said by not responding to Buddha about where I was spending my birthday I was still being guarded and unwilling to let him in. True, but does that negate forgiveness?

Everyone wants to tell me that my lack of desire to interact with Buddha means I haven’t forgiven him. No one hears WHY.

Kori hit the nail on the head about animosity. In all my blog posts and conversations, I neglected to address one of the most painful parts of my problems with Buddha; claiming me.

I jokingly discuss how I expect my cut of child support arrears first if he ever hit the lottery, but sarcasm can’t sugar coat the child support notice I saw in the mail a few years ago.

I was home from college and my mom and I went to check the mail at one of her rental properties, which was also our old home.

He requested the claim for child support be thrown out because “He is not my father.”

Not My Father Now

I remember how empty I felt reading those words. So many questions. *Why wait til I was over 18?* *What about all those hand made “Love Dad” letters?* *What changed his mind?*

Too much to process. Then AND Now. Whether the decision was motivated by money or a moment of anger, I don’t know. But if it wasn’t bad enough to be an absentee Dad, he had to add insult to injury and petition the court for paternity of my full grown adult ass and deny he ever owed me a relationship to begin with.

I don’t respect that. I can’t, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven him.

I chose to forgive him for me, so that I could let people in again. That doesn’t mean HE gets to be one of those people. I forgave him for me, because all “Happy Birthday”s at least deserve a “Thank You” that doesn’t mean we need to celebrate together. I forgave him for me, because one of the best things he ever said to me was his presence may have done more harm than good and I believe the same rules still apply. Sometimes you have to let people love you from a distance and as long as you aren’t holding on to hurt anymore, I don’t let others dictate how you forgive.

A daddy is supposed to teach you how to decide which boys/men are worth your time. He taught me that he isn’t worth mine.

My gentleman friend said if we ever have kids together, he’d probably sneak and let Buddha see them. That didn’t even upset me. I’m not threatened by his involvement in the lives of children I don’t have. And as long as he doesn’t let them down like he did me, I would let it continue.

We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then, #iForgiveHimOnPurpose

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Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my 26th birthday. Over the past few weeks I attempted to write today’s post in advance but the words just would not come.

I signed up for a 31-day Forgiveness Challenge through “My Not So Private Diary” where for 31 days, I’m supposed to write a letter forgiving someone who hurt me. I don’t have to send the letters, just write them in a notebook she provided for us to burn at the end of the 31 days.

 

I never got my notebook.

 

BUT! I won’t allow that to be an excuse to stop me.

I woke up to a Facebook Message Request from my biological father; Buddha. It was a loving ‘Happy Birthday’ message; and I responded to it. It felt good.

My last post on “What Makes You Who You Are” opened up some feelings and thoughts I wasn’t ready to face or share. I seriously contemplated giving up blogging about Daddy Issues. But there is so much more to Daddy Issues and Daaamn Daddy than MY story.

So with that being said, I have a birthday request. I used to teach middle school and before that I was a tutor-counselor for high school students. Some of my most fulfilling days were spent having hones dialog with the youth about the things that affected them. Daddy Issues, sibling rivalry, teachers they felt didn’t care about them #UNameIt

My request today on my 26th birthday is for you to share this with an educator you near you and see if they will allow me to come speak to and write WITH their middle or high school scholars about the Daddy Issues we deal with.

I’m available Thursdays, and my goal is to speak with at least 26 groups before my next birthday. Have them contact me via email at daaamndaddy@gmail.com with any opportunities.

 

Thank You for any and all support!

 

Happy Birthday to me!