Defining success, setting goals to reach dreams; these are all indicators of #Growth.
When you grow, sometimes it makes those around you uncomfortable. Even the very people who beg for you to change, despise you for doing exactly that.
For years my mother and sister pretty much played Mariah Carey’s “Why You So Obsessed with Me” at the thought of Step Dad #2. And for good reason. he was more than border line obsessed with my mother. Asking my pre-teen sister questions about her mother that should be reserved for dialogue between adults, showing up to her home unannounced searching for items he “left behind”, repeatedly declaring his desire to “Get his family back”. Until one day…THE BROTHER GOT A NEW GIRLFRIEND.
Now, from the outside looking in, that’s a beautiful thing. No more Psycho-Bob behavior; but had he really outgrown his stalk-ish ways? And at what cost?
January is a month to set goals to reach dreams and achieve some level of success.
I remember a couple of years ago I was in the car with my mother, Step Dad #1 and my stepsister. We rode by a Mercedes-Benz dealership and Step Dad #1 got hype like a kid in a candy store looking at this white coupe perched up on the platform, beaming form the son above the lot. At 42 years old he was enamored with this vehicle and proclaimed that one day he would have it and he was going to be riding through the hood “Stuntin’”.
I knew my mother was thinking it. I felt her thinking it. And I for damn sure was thinking it, because as much as I hate to admit it sometimes, I am my mother’s child. Thankfully, it wasn’t either of us that said “Daddy? Stuntin’? REALLY? You 42 out here talking bout some STUNTIN’?” accompanied with the heartiest, dream crushing laugh.
Step Dad #1 has 5 children and 3 grandchildren and at the time he was still paying child support for at least 2 of his children.
That moment never left me. Initially, like my stepsister I was judging him, but slowly that judgment transformed into empathy. He was 42 years old and had been somebody’s daddy for more than half his life. He missed his moment to stunt on ‘em, and he wasn’t ready to let it go.
He has an E Class Benz now. It may not have been a wise investment, but for him, it symbolizes success.
I used to want a Cadillac. I still do, I hope that I earn it before I’m 42, so I won’t be Stuntin’ like my Daddy.
But then again, I don’t see cars as a sign of success anymore.
I’ve been binge watching Jane the Virgin. If you’re not familiar here’s a link.
Anyway, In Season One, somewhere between Chapter 11 & Chapter 19, they all blur together when you’re binge watching, Rafael says to Jane what her Momma Xiomara was trying to tell her since Chapter 5. “We’re too different to have a successful relationship boo.”
That scene got me to thinking about my own relationship goals and expectations for co-parenting.
Had you asked me as a child I would have shared my Cheaper by the Dozen dreams and fantasies complete with list of names, middle names, and illustrations of my future children. (Yes, I had THAT much time on my hands)
The older I got, the further from reality those fantasies drifted.
I watched my mother stay ten years too long trying to make her family fantasies come true. I’m just not that patient.
Everyone is screaming “New Year, New Me!” and talking about their “vision” and going after their “GOALS”.
Meanwhile, I’m having recurring dreams about my future wedding. No I’m not getting married this year, I’m not even currently dating, but most women fantasize about their weddings, right?
At a young age I determined that my mom and aunt were unlikely to get married before me, therefore I’d allow my grandfather the honor of walking me down the aisle and giving me away. Back then I also thought I’d be married by age 18. Here I am, 25 with a grandfather closing in on 75 and not even any players warming the bench.
It was a goal of mine to be married at 18 so I could be fruitful and multiply by 20. This goal caused me quite a bit of stress and depression when I didn’t reach it. *2010 was a VERY difficult year for me*
Back to this dream. For the past 3 years I’ve gone to the Wedding Expo with a friend for her birthday. My stepsister is getting married and I suggested she go to one, but then I decided, I don’t want to go this year.