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Double Standards…Who Raised You?

I had quite a few ideas for this week’s post, but come last Sunday I couldn’t decide. So, I took to our Facebook Page and drummed up some discussion surrounding the topics that were on my mind.

I heard a mother refer to her adult son as her “piece of $#!+” and s someone who does not have children I personally found that to be an admission of her short comings as a mother. BUT, I am not a parent.

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So, I posed this question to some followers of our Facebook page and asked “Does admitting that your son is a piece of $#!+ make you a failure as a mother?” To my surprise all of the commenters felt that the words “failure as a mother” were too harsh. The general consensus was that parents lay the foundation, but ultimately, men make their own choices as adults. One even suggested that the media’s influence causes folks to stray from what their parents taught them.

Not that I disagree with what they were saying, because I genuinely had not considered all the factors at play, however, something just isn’t sitting right with me.

A grown woman “decides” to be an exotic dancer, because the media caused her to believe they make more money. First question folks ask when a woman carries herself in a way society looks down upon is “WHO RAISED YOU?”stripper

I started this blog with a post signifying that my “Daddy Issues” didn’t manifest themselves in the stereotypical form of promiscuity. And if you GOOGLE Daddy Issues, that’s exactly what you’ll see; images of women who have seemingly made poor choices in their adult lives.

What happens if you Google Mommy Issues? Do pictures of “Ain’t $#!+” men who don’t take care of themselves or the children they produce show up? Or is it just a double standard?

I read an article earlier this week about how a mother’s verbal & physical abuse can plant the seeds of misogyny in her son. I’m a daughter and the verbal abuse I endured from my mother made me recently decide to distance myself from her, but I wouldn’t say it encouraged me to be verbally abusive toward other women. Or maybe my choice to attribute my poor experiences dating to the examples of men my “Daddy’s” are and not the example of a woman my mother is, is just a perpetuation of this double standard.

Disney Double Standards

Seems to me no one wants to acknowledge the failing mothers in the world, unless it’s in reference to a promiscuous daughter. “Who Raised You?”The same person who raised your “Ain’t $#!+” Daddy!

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Once for a Lifetime

            Earlier this month I went to a J. Cole concert with my brother and while the crowd around me was amazed by my brother’s ability to match Jermaine’s pace word for word, I was fixated on Jermaine.

During his performance of HELLO something stuck out to me. As he’s describing his thoughts of “The one that got away” he realizes she has kids & says “…cause if we ever got together. I’d have to be them N!99@$ step-pops forever.” I froze. In all of the times I had heard this song, this time was different. Something about hearing it live, just, just touched my soul.


I thought of how even though things hadn’t worked out between Step Dad #1 didn’t work out, I still consider him my stepfather. He went on to prove to be just that. I took a trip to Ohio to attend my stepsister’s college graduation and due to unforeseen circumstances, my lodging plans fell through. And my Hilton Honors membership wasn’t seeing eye-to-eye with my budget.

The night before my trip I took to Instagram with a photo captioned “When you should be sleep because you’re driving to Ohio in the morning but you still don’t know where you’re going to sleep once you get there #ImGoneSleepinMyCar #WhereImGonShowerDoe #FigureitOutOnceIGetThere”


When I got there, I visited my family on Buddha’s side first, and while there Step Dad #1 called and said “Did you make it yet? Here’s the address to the hotel, you can stay here with me and my mom.” I didn’t even have to ask, he offered. All off an Instagram post. His relationship with my mother ended before I hit double digit birthdays and here I am nearly a quarter century old and he’s still looking out for me.


On that same trip I was once again reminded of Jermaine’s words “I’d have to be them kid’s step pops forever” when I heard a tiny voice refer to my cousin as “Dad”.

Ohio’s pretty far, but I talk to my aunt often enough to know her son doesn’t have any 6 year old kids just running around. He even made it his business to remind me he’s “damn near 30 & on his first kid” unlike some of my other cousins.

But here he was with these two little boys walking around calling him “Dad.” And low & behold he’s not even really interested in being with their mother for the long haul. Which causes me to question *How long should a man be in your life before it is ok for your kids to call him Dad?*

Are You My Daddy

Does a man who never had a solid father figure even comprehend the seriousness of a child bestowing upon him that title?

I’m just blessed to have two stepdad’s that look out for me despite the foolishness I’ve learned through their shortcomings.

Shout Out to my sister’s father aka Step Dad #2 for keeping me on his health insurance.

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This D!©k Ain’t Freeeeee

3:30am Sunday August 16, 2015

I was just woken up out my sleep by Buddha 2.0 knocking on his sister’s door and I said a prayer that he was ok & let him in anyway.

He asked for my phone so he could “Make sure the ß!+©# got home safely” referencing the young woman who dropped him off”

I initially told him no but part of me was proud he even cared that she made it home.

Debo Phone

My phone only works on speaker from being dropped so many times, so I had the displeasure of hearing their WHOLE conversation.

All I could think about was Kendrick Lamar’s 2nd track on TPAB “This. Dick. Ain’t. Freeeee.” I listened as he directly told this woman “I don’t want your p_$$¥ I mean it’s good, but if you ain’t giving me money I don’t give a f_ck” and she on multiple accounts throughout the conversation said “but I care about you”.

TPAB Album Art

I tried to think myself to sleep as I lay there in the dark, hearing this broken man that I love, but despise for idolizing my father, his uncle, but I couldn’t. “What we should be trying to do is figure out how YOU gone pay my phone bill & gimme some P-$$¥” and she actually said “Give me your phone number and I’ll pay it with my credit card right now”


I know I told yall I respect honesty & he ain’t fed not a lie to her as I lay here. He told her if she couldn’t figure out a way to make things work in their relationship she might as well wait for her husband to “finish his bid” and leave him out of it. She once again cited how she cared about him.*ß!+©# WHY? Care about YOU!*

She wanted to set up arrangements for sex sometime this coming week and said she couldn’t take him home because “the kids are here”. “I ain’t finna keep letting your kids get in the way of us f_cking. We got a room before, you the one decided to drop me off & now you asking bout some d!©k, we was just together!”

My OTHER N!99@ is on. YOU OFF!
My OTHER N!99@ is on.       YOU OFF!

I guess he got tired of the back & forth with no progress & her failed attempts to pay his phone bill on three way. (Yes there were multiple attempts) so he told her “Since you can’t figure $#!+ out I’ll give you a call around Christmas” Although I heard her say multiple times she could get d!ck elsewhere (hence the  correlation to Kendrick’s track) it was clear that she wanted HIM. Even after he called her a ß!+©#. Even after being told her kids were in the way. Even after he told her more than once he was using her for money. (She did tell him she wasn’t a bank but still) She wanted him & all the disrespectful ways he learned from my father and I guess his indirectly. I wanted to ask him “Would you want someone talking to me like that?” But I was afraid of what he might answer.

Questions  Answers

Worst part was I wasn’t even shocked. Despite having his own absentee father, he chose to be just like Buddha, and she chose to let him. I don’t know that young woman & I never saw her face, but all I could think of while hearing her borderline beg was.

*I ain’t ever had d!©k good enough for me to pay the bill on a phone I couldn’t have the number to*

When the only men you’ve looked up to lack respect for women, you learn not to respect them either. When you allow a man to have you without respecting you, you reinforce his bad habits. You give what you get, and you get what you accept. Just remember Nothing’s for Free.

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Humans Have Flaws

Fathers Day 15

This is a picture of some of the father figures I’ve had in my life; cousins, uncles, Step Dad #2. These are all men whom I have looked up to, learned from, loved and been disappointed by.

I remember the first time I began to notice the men in my life who I upheld as different, special FLAWLESS, were too in fact, flawed humans. I took these moments as personal affronts.

I’ve been reading The Autobiography of Malcolm X this summer. And yesterday I came across a passage where Minister Malcolm himself was dealing with the reality that a man he had come to idolize, was just a man.

Lost Faith

He said in a passage that

Loyal Muslims could be taught that a man’s accomplishments in his life out-weigh his personal, human weaknesses.

That line spoke to me. It spoke to parts of me that wanted to be angry with the men I loved for the way they treated the women I admired.

  • It should be more important to me that this man successfully taught me how to ride a bike than it is that he’s telling the woman he loves that he want to get married, but constantly makes single people decisions?
  • It should matter more to me that the man who rewarded my academic success with his time, SHOWED me he loved me than it does that he’s stepped out of his 20 year relationship, at least TWICE with the kids to prove it?
  • It should be of more value to me that he chose to invest in my love of music by purchasing my first stereo than it is that he broke his vow of marriage to have an affair hurting his wife whom I consider a friend?

Before I knew these things about these men I idolized them, Wanted to find men just like them. And as I learned of their flaws I also learned to be careful what you ask for.

Golden Apple

Truth is, we model what we see, and I’m tired of seeing men take advantage of other women’s emotions, while simultaneously trying to convince me, that maybe my standards aren’t unrealistic, and I should keep the faith that there’s someone good enough for me so not to “settle for these busters.” Although this knowledge shouldn’t make me love these men any less, I’m not a Loyal Muslim and I can’t accept past accomplishments as a trump for present and REPEATED disrespect.

As a woman it hurts me to see men whom I’ve considered the model of how I wanted to be loved; hurt women I care about just as much.

How do you expect me to believe I’m worthy of the best treatment a man can provide, when I now know you’re living a lie?

Insecurities; Deeply Rooted in the witnessing of men I highly regarded mistreat women I duly admired. Do good men exist anymore? Of course, but all humans have flaws.

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Forrest Gump (1994) HD 1080p

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Director : Robert Zemeckis
Release : July 06, 1994
Language : en.
Runtime : 142 min
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